I think I died a long time ago.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
