Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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