This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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