: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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