dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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