Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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