Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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