While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
