What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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