Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
