ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
