final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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