I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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