Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
