what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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