Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
