I puked a lego.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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