you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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