Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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