fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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