Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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