I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
