My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
