I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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