Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
