They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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