duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
