this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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