Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
