vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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