hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
