thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
