If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
