I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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