Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
