Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
