Duck Duck Cougar?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
