just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
