Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
