apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
