I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
