Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
