There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
