So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
