I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize