I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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