new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
