his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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