I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
