You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
