Fine. I'll sleep in my office
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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