I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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