dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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