once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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