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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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