I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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