nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
