y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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