I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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