i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you had me at cake vodka
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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