So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
