pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
