hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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