He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
