i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
