The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
