I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Randomize
